Top Brothels in Melbourne: An Expert’s Guide to Etiquette.

Maybe you’re new to the brothels in Melbourne and a little unsure of what constitutes appropriate behaviour. Worry no more, lay back and do it for Australia with this easy guide to brothel etiquette and avoid coming across as an amateur, or worse, a dickhead.

I’ve been having sex in the top brothels in Melbourne for a while and thought the knowledge I’ve picked up might help you when you’re standing nervously outside wondering how you might go about sleeping with a sex-worker.

TREAT THE GIRLS AS YOU WOULD YOUR GIRLFRIEND (SORT OF)

Personally, I treat sex workers just like they’re my girlfriends. But my relationship code is based on respect and concern for my partner’s wellbeing. This piece of advice depends on how you behave when you have a special person in your life. I’m going to assume that you’re a decent sort, and that your relationships so far haven’t been a shitstorm of domestic abuse, neglect and psychological cruelty. If you wouldn’t treat a girlfriend that way, don’t treat a sex worker that way. These are basic people skills.

Unfortunately, the preconceptions of those men who are new to the brothel experience can be damaging, invasive or just plain rude. “They come in and they just grope,” I’ve been told on a number of occasions, usually accompanied by an eye roll.

As far as I can tell, groping is mostly fuelled by the expectations young men get from internet porn, like that weird thing male porn stars do where they try to fit their entire hand in a girl’s mouth during anal sex. Unsurprisingly, this kind of behaviour isn’t thought of too highly by the brothel girls. They’re selling their time and, with it, access to specific sexual acts; they’re not saying, “Give me $200 and do anything that comes into your stupid head.”

DON’T WINDOW SHOP

There are a lot of time wasters out there who’ll just sit in the meeting room and stare with no intention of staying. The girls don’t like that, either. Would you like it if a stranger stared at your half-naked body for an extended period of time while deliberating whether they wanted to put their penis inside you? The girls are experts at picking these losers and you’ll only get the most cursory hello – they don’t like you wasting their time. So, if you just want to look, get aroused and then masturbate in your car, try internet porn on your iphone and go to a shopping centre toilet instead.

GET VALUE FOR YOUR MONEY BEFORE YOU GET SEX

The manager will tell you the price and if you don’t want everything to go horribly wrong within the space of ten minutes, the next move is to ask what service is included. Personally, I can’t be bothered trying to beat the price down, but if you’re the type of person who can bear to haggle over blowjobs, now’s your time to shine. The top brothels in Melbourne mostly don’t want a bar of that. You’re better off taking your chances in an illegal massage shop (make sure your shots are up to date though – because theirs won’t be – and that you have a lazy $6k to spare in case you get busted by the cops).

If you don’t ask about service, you’re building yourself up for trouble. She will likely try to upsell you and soften the blow by telling you that “all the girls do it, darling.” This, of course, is cheating (and poor etiquette), but it’s the fairest kind of cheating because the situation you’ve found yourself in is entirely your own fault.

DON’T DIVE STRAIGHT IN

Apparently, some guys take their donger out as soon as they get into the room. That sentence alone should tell you this is not good etiquette. But in case you need a more direct pointer, what you should really do is ask whether she wants to shower with you – most often, you’re paying for the time whether she does or not.

NOW TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF

You strip. And so should she. It’s her room so it’s her rules, but it’s not a good sign if she keeps her bikini on. Another sign that all is not well is if she insists on shaking your hand and formally introducing herself again as soon as the door is closed. The whole handshake thing is usually an indicator that the next 45 minutes is going to be, at best, slightly more exciting than reading Donald Trump’s twitter feed. Aside from all those details, make sure you’re don’t dawdle too much. Because while you might have thought that you’d bought 45 minutes of sex, what you’re really paying for is a set 45 minutes, including however long it takes to get dressed and undressed. Plus, some of the girls’ definitions of 45 minutes can be pretty elastic.

DO THE THING YOU’RE THERE TO DO

The action itself usually starts out with the girl inviting you to lie down on the bed, before she applies a condom and starts giving you a blowjob. The immediate question that will spring to your mind is: ‘Is it OK to touch her while she does this?’ The answer is: maybe. She might have already answered the question for you by positioning herself at the foot of the bed, as far away from your wandering hands as she can get. Then again, she might kneel or stand beside you.

So, if touching is what you want to do, you can find out by trying. She’ll let you know if it’s OK. Equally, she’ll definitely let you know if it’s not OK. You might be advised, for example, that “touching costs more”, or your advances might be tolerated, but gently guided with advice like, “not inside, honey.”

She may have views about how the penetrative stuff should go, but two positions – in line with the client’s preferences – is fair. Having got that far, there are a couple more points of etiquette to abide by. If you can’t come, that’s your problem. Similarly, when you do come, that’s it. If you’ve booked for a longer time you’ll have to be satisfied with a massage to fill the time, or sit and talk – which happens more than you might think. Some men even enjoy this afterglow time more than the sex.

CLEAN UP AND DON’T HANG AROUND

There’s one final piece of etiquette: the clean-up.

The most civilised method is less fashionable now than it was, but you still see it from time to time. Essentially, once you’ve finished, you lie on the bed, she gently removes the condom and dabs you dry. Others will leave you to sort yourself out, which seems perfectly fair enough to me if you’ve managed a discount – you’re paying for sex, not to be bathed.

My favourite girls will continue to treat their guy like a valued client right up to the time he exits, sending him off with a couple of air kisses on either cheek. Some of the Asian girls in the top brothels in Melbourne, like The Cherry Tree Garden, will even feed you a Mintie.

THE CLASSIC MELBOURNE BROTHEL